You know when a relationship is no longer working or at least you’ve tried every outlet to make it work. Inevitably, you will reach a point when that internal voice in your head says, “I’m done”. In my case, I had more than one friend say to me, “just end it already” but my heart wasn’t ready. My mind knew what I had to do but the heart kept confusing things. Until one morning when I caught myself flushing the contents of yet another vodka bottle down the drain hoping that would be the solution to my partner’s alcohol problem. That led to another argument and as I left my house to head to work, a voice, very loudly said to me “today’s the day” and I immediately responded to the voice saying, “I know”. I headed back into the house, where my partner was standing in the kitchen. I said with a certain assuredness in my voice they had not heard before, “We are done. When I get home tonight, we need to talk about selling the home and ending this relationship”. I left them befuddled.
When I got home that night, they moved out of my bedroom to another bedroom across the way and we listed the home the next day. Given that we didn’t technically have a marriage license at the time, I thought the process would be relatively easy. As I had purchased the home and spent my money renovating it, made all the mortgage payments and paid all the bills with no contributions on their part, I offered to take the proceeds, minus all of the expenses and mortgage payments I made and split the difference 50/50%. The only reason I was having the conversation was that I stupidly put them on the deed of the home when they moved in. It was something they negotiated as a condition of us living together.
I thought the agreement was acceptable until the next day when I received a notice from their attorney stating that all negotiations on the house needed to go through their attorney. Here’s where things began to get messy. I now had to hire an attorney. Their attorney wanted $85,000 upfront before they would agree to any sale of the property. The problem was, it was the beginning of the great recession and I was in real estate. Both the economy and the real estate market crashed within days of each other and my six-figure salary now became $0. There was no money to pay. The equity was in the house, which was well over $450,000. We agreed to the $85,000 but only after the home sold. When an offer for $990,000 came in, they declined to sign. When the offer for $890,000 came in, again they declined. The offers kept getting less and less as the recession kicked in full gear. When a final offer of $540,000 came in, leaving me with no money to pay the other realtor their commissions, they had no choice but to accept. We each walked away with nothing. The only ones that profited were the two attorneys.
Having lost my house, my cars and my income, I was at rock bottom and at that time, there were no resources for someone like myself. If you Googled ‘Divorce’, you got and still get 5 pages of attorneys. I had no idea mediation might have been an alternative; or perhaps a divorce coach; online support; a group of divorced guys I could have talked to.
This was one of the many reasons I created the National Association for Single and Divorced Families (NASDF.org). I wanted to bring an umbrella of products, services, support and resources to people like me.
I also realized that these families needed some kind of financial support when an unexpected event happens to the person who is paying child support and alimony. Given my insurance background in underwriting niche products, I wanted to create a policy that would guarantee the continuation of support if the person who’s paying dies, becomes disabled, involuntarily loses their job or has to declare a business bankruptcy. For example, let’s say the person who is paying suddenly falls off a ladder or has their job downsized. What if they own a restaurant and suddenly a COVID-type illness causes their restaurant to close? It’s not that they don’t want to pay but they are temporarily unable to do so. I call these scenarios, life’s unexpected events. So, I created Support Insured, the first-of-its-kind divorce insurance that covers these perils and will continue paying the child support and alimony obligation up to one year. The policy also provides for either party (payor or payee) to purchase it at any time; during or after a divorce. Once you have the court mandated settlement, you can purchase the insurance. The best part, I made it affordable.
What I haven’t mentioned is that I also became a foster father to a 13-year-old boy who is now my son and 37-years old. I witnessed first hand what he endured and the lack of care, services and support he did not receive during his time in the system. I watched other children’s ‘best interests’ not being taken into account as I sat through family court sessions with my son. By creating NASDF as a non-profit, I am now able to create our advocacy around family court/foster care reform. Very few people ever hear one voice, but amplified by millions, changes occur.
Had I not gone through my experience during my harsh break up, the good life I have now, the ‘unconditional’ love I receive from my husband and the launching of the association and the financial security that Support Insured provides might not have happened. I’ve learned that growth occurs when you’re most uncomfortable so trust me, there is light at the end of the tunnel and divorce is not a permanent situation.
Contributed by Ron Platt — www.nasdf.org