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When you tell your child that you’re getting a divorce, the parents should be together. That’s an important factor for the resilience of the child and how they’re going to handle the divorce. If both parents can’t be together, then one can perhaps be on FaceTime or speakerphone and join the conversation. It should be discussed ahead of time what they’re going to say. They can consult with a professional, a psychologist, if they want help. And the most important thing is that they send the same message and that they tell them two things. It’s not your fault and we both love you no matter what. If you have kids ranging from 4 to 16 or a variety of ages, I think it needs to be tailored toward the youngest child because the youngest child won’t understand if you tailor it toward the older children.
But the older children will understand that’s why you’re using that language and that’s why you’re saying it. And you can talk with them alone afterwards if they have question. And older children usually understand that. And if there’s good relationships, they may even want to protect the younger child from it. So it’s most important that it is said in an age appropriate way. And As I said, 16 year olds can understand why that language is being used when it’s a four year old. Oftentimes four year olds or kids six and under don’t quite get it. Some of them will get up and say, okay, I’m hungry and go away and they’re done. And I always advise going back together and asking if there’s questions, because right when they’re told is a very different feeling than even two weeks later or a month later.
The research shows that kids are pretty resilient, that they’ll have some issues, perhaps for the first year or two after divorce, but that if the parents are together in the message they send, not just when they first tell them about the divorce, but throughout and leave them out of the conflict, if there is any, then those are the kids who really fare well long term.