Telling Your Kids About Your Divorce

Even though your divorce means that you will no longer be spouses, you will continue to be parents together for the rest of your lives. The way that you tell your kids about your divorce sets the stage for your children’s future relationship with you and your spouse. If at all possible, it’s important to be a united front from the beginning and make a plan to tell the children together, seeking help or guidance as needed.

Your Kids About Your Divorce

Here are some things to keep in mind as you prepare for this difficult conversation.

Consider the Children’s Needs

How and when you tell the children about your divorce may vary greatly depending on their age, level of maturity, and awareness about your relationship. The way you tell a 14-year-old could be very different from how you would approach a young child. You may also need to consider special circumstances for a child with developmental support needs.

Your children may already be aware that there are challenges in your relationship. Sometimes kids will surprise you and be the ones to point out that it’s time to go ahead and get divorced because they can’t stand the ongoing arguments. Speaking with children who have this point of view will be quite different from sharing the news with a child who isn’t expecting the conversation. In all cases, it is important to consider the specific needs of your child as you make a plan with your spouse.

Seek Mental Health Resources

I am an experienced lawyer, but I am not a therapist. I encourage clients to seek support from mental health professionals whose areas of expertise relate to children. We rely heavily on a network of professionals like psychologists and other therapists to help us navigate the process of supporting children through divorce. I also recommend books that may serve as a guide for parents, such as Divorce: The Art of Screwing Up Your Children by psychologist Howard Drutman.

Children should not be made to feel like they have to choose sides.

Create a United Front

Ideally, both parents will be together when they share the news about their divorce with their children. When one parent shares the news on their own, it creates a riff. The parent who was not involved will feel left out and assume, accurately or not, that the parent who delivered the news is trying to sway the children to favor them. It can also leave the children feeling like they have to pick a side.

Appearances matter in the eyes of children. The more amicable you can keep it in front of them, even if it’s not amicable behind the scenes, the better it will be for the children in the long run. It will also set the stage for how you will navigate your future, as you continue to interact with your former spouse and parent together through drop-offs, school functions, holidays, and other events in your children’s lives.

Reassure with Key Messages

When you sit down with your children to share the news, there are some key messages that you will want to be prepared to communicate. Keep the language simple, honest, and neutral, without blaming each other. Be prepared to say, “We’re getting a divorce.” As you move through the conversation, be honest that it’s going to require some changes. Listen and be open to any questions that your children might have.

While talking about change, you’ll also want to reaffirm that, “We still love you, we’re still here for you, and we’re going to do our best to make this as amicable as possible.” Children should not be made to feel like they have to choose sides. They still have two parents, and you want to reinforce that.

Prioritize Child Safety

There are exceptions when a united front might not be possible. In some cases, there may be conduct issues, like physical abuse or drug addiction, that have the potential to impact the children. At that point, the most important thing is to make sure that the children are protected.

A parent who is struggling with addiction or mental health may perceive that their actions are perfectly normal, and they may hold onto the belief that they would never hurt their kids, even if they already are. They might be unable to control their own actions or even realize that they need help. We need to make sure that the other spouse is able to protect the children until we can get some type of court order in place governing what limitations, if any, the parent might have with the children or what safeguards might be put in place.

Some recommendations in these cases could be things like not leaving your children with the other parent for an extended period of time or, where addiction is an issue, not allowing the children to ride in a car when the parent is driving. The safety of your children is the priority.

Final Word

Divorce can be a challenging time for any family. When kids are involved, telling your children can be daunting. How parents communicate this transition can significantly affect their children’s emotional well-being. While every family is unique, the goal should be to provide clarity, reassurance, and stability during a time of change. How you handle this conversation with your children can set the tone for how they process the change and can create the foundation for a positive future.

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